“ You should not have said that you don’t communicate perfectly all the time. How will anyone listen to what you have to say now?”
I got this comment from a friend about my last video. If you haven't seen it, have a look at it here
It touches on the topic of what it means to keep positive interpersonal communication.
I found it rather interesting. Truth & honesty is so important to keep to create relationships and connections and then someone is telling me to lie. It is also interesting the notion that one person must always do everything correctly, in order to know what they are talking about. Which is such a strange concept. I don’t believe in perfection but in constant improvement.
If you are looking for someone who is 100% and does everything by the book all the time, well then I am not the one for you.
So on that note, I will actually share with you, my weakness when it comes to communication.
Conflict communication
When I studied conflict transformation and intercultural conflicts and communication we discussed the 5 styles of conflict engagement.
Accommodating
Avoiding
Compromising
Collaborating
Competing
It is important to know your own style because the way that each style communicates is also rather different.
- Remember how I wrote self-reflection is an important tool if I hadn’t realized my style, it would have been hard to actually work and improve it :) - If you did not read about it, you can do that here
For example, a person using accommodating communication will reassure you that you are right whilst the competing style will be aggressive, "I" minded and straight to the point.
In direct disagreements between a person and myself, I used to be a total avoider. I could not communicate well in these types of conflicts. Actually, one very typical way for me to speak was passive, to the point that I would go on and ghost the person which is just the ultimate avoiding communication style. I would do so even if they worked at the same workplace!
Interestingly is that if the issue and/or disagreement was not directly between me and another person, I would be the opposite, then I went into a competing style.
So either would I just not talk again or I would be loud and order people around.
Communication Traits of Both
Avoidant
No Preferences We say that we have no preferences and it is fine whatever happens. If we avoid talking about the problem, the problem does not exist!
Body language It is a common idea that only liars do not look into someone's eyes. Not true. To look into someone's eyes is a very closer experience, and when you want to avoid a topic you don't want to be close in that experience.
Change of conversation Steering away from the topic so that it is not about us anymore but rather on anything and everything else.
Ghosting The ultimate communication flaw is ghosting. It is just no communication at all. We rather disappear that confront and talk about it.
No no no, Nothing is wrong, don’t worry bout it, everything is fine the meeting was OK. btw did you notice that "Petra" did not speak so much as well?
Competing
Aggressive Straight to the point and direct. Using a lof You vs I minded talk and perspective.
Hurtful words Usage of hurtful words and disregarding of other people's feelings. It is just to get to the point that matters, and if I use hurtful words it is just to show my point even more.
Criticism and Blame Other people around you are doing things incorrectly, and just not good enough. It is their shortcomings that are the fault for things not working and you are the person that should let them know about it.
Request change The other person, because of their shortcomings needs to change. It is on my request that things are also done after my thought, and you need to change for my needs. Your ideas, manners or ways are incorrect.
You are doing it wrong and I have told you so many times. You will never change.
This was a typical thing for me to say. It makes me sad today to think about how many people I must have hurt in my way of talking to them.
Changed My Ways For the Better
The aggressive competing style is what I worked on first. I had always prided myself on my competing communication style, I had seen it as something positive. It was the first thing I realized it was not, hence we worked on it first. I was still in Bolivia, after my divorce and I sat with a friend, just spewing aggressivity. Saying how people, did everything wrong and me all things right. Not coming from a positive point. And my dear friend just asked me, why I thought I was in the right to say everyone else was wrong and me right. Obviously, I thought he was wrong :D It grew on me though. Today this only comes up sometimes, usually when I am really stressed. It still does though, and I won’t pretend anything else. I have worked a lot on it, and I use much more assertive but positive structures. I can reach people and tell them negative information but I want it to be a positive mental outcome from it. My other weakness is avoidant communication behavior. I still get the feeling sometimes, that if I am more assertive I will hurt others. It would be better to just sweep it under the rug and not talk about it. If I comment on something that can be perceived. that someone did something negative or stupid, I will make people feel bad about themselves and that I don't want. My solution? Just avoid it like the plague. Ok not like the plague anymore. I don’t speak my mind, and I just avoid it, not leading to any positive outcome though. Neither for me nor the relationship. Why is that bad though? Well, if there was something that I felt was negative towards me, and I don’t speak up about it and set my expectations and feelings regarding it, it will just keep on happening. And after several themes that this happens, the closer it goes to a big fight. And then the relationship can completely crumble. It just does not make sense, but my fear of hurting others, and that others will leave me if I do so, stops me sometimes still from communicating healthier. It is better though to be brave and communicate for a positive mental outcome for all.
It Is OK to Acknowledge
These are what I consider my weaknesses, but the great thing to know about them is that I can continuously work on them to be healthier. That is the reason why it is completely natural for me to be honest about it and acknowledge it. As no one is perfect. Through working on what our weaknesses are can we create connections and build relationships. It would be really interesting to hear what you consider your communication weakness is below in the comment section, let me know!
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