6.5 years ago I separated from my then-husband. I was on the other side of the globe, alone in an empty flat with few hundred dollars in my bank account.
No that was a lie, I did not have any bank account.
I was a single mom in a country that was not working as it should, with a soon-to-be ex-husband that did not understand, who did not want to talk to me properly. People around that did not behave as they should! With a system that was corrupted and dishonest. The feeling of not connecting properly was overwhelming. Surface-level connections were OK but anything honest and easy was not entirely possible. How could I, who did things right, find myself in this place?
I was angry and miserable.
Luckily did I meet people that talked to me about other ideas, inputs, and opinions. Thanks to this I realized that my grandiosity of talking and saying what was right or wrong, and that people around me should cave into my needs were quite terribly wrong. The common determinator for many of my issues was in fact me and it was me that needed to change. It was not the system, the people, the job, or the ex-husband. I was not an extraterrestrial being that did nothing wrong and had my things 100% together, which honestly I had probably been thinking. Imagine trying to connect with someone like this. Sitting on her high horses and saying how essentially better she was than everybody else. I probably would not want to keep an honest and open connection either.
It was very much myself as well. I realized that I am the driver of my life and it is up to me how my life will turn out.
And change I did. Working on myself, going to therapy, reading, and listening to as much as I could get ahold of in terms of personal development and improvements. Things for sure improved. A feeling of relief and understanding entered my life. I kept feeling though that l could not connect, I felt that I was the odd one out. I misunderstood people. I ran into trouble with colleagues. I felt people got the wrong idea, and perception about me, and I could not bond. Looking back it was not strange that it was not better than I wanted. The turmoil of life, trying to navigate it alone, in an unknown country with money in my pocket being a constant negative constant, put extreme pressure on myself addition to working through personal behaviors at the same time is hard.
Changes Were Coming
“Maria I want to see you…”
My boss sent me the above message and I freaked out about it. In my head, I read this message as inconceivable negative. I was stressed. I could not afford to lose my job, the only stable place in my life. What had I however done for him to send me THREE DOTS?!
"I am going to be fired".
I met my boss, and he wanted absolutely nothing of this kind. Only a catch-up. That was a wake-up call.
“I am in a new country. I cannot connect because I am forcing and expecting my way of communicating, instead of embracing the local way. If I don’t even try to understand how to speak Bolivian I won’t make it. Or get people here to understand that I speak Mix and we need to find together how to work” I realized for the first time, that there is a local way. Bolivian communication is different, from American, Czech, Swede, German, and vice versa. They are all different. I was not the bad one, I was just speaking Mix to Bolivian. ( I consider it mixed, living in various countries, from an intercultural home, I cannot say that my base language I used was anything else but mix) This will not match! Realizing it helped me tremendously. Explaining my viewpoint from my reference point and understanding their viewpoint from their reference point instead of expecting the same. My expectations changed. Intercultural communication was real, my first understanding at 30 years old.
After living in various countries, growing up in an intercultural household, and having been in an intercultural marriage, this had still not hit me before!!
Things improved. I read as much as I could, being as mindful as I could; I do have to say that with the stress I had in life, it was hard to take real action. Acclimatizing to a new life as a divorcee, single mom, single household, working in a country far away in the world, fairly alone. However, understanding the differences, reading, and trying it out made a difference. Some 5 years ago I was able to return to Europe and the Czech Republic.
I did still struggle a great amount with personal problems. Again, single mom, in another different country, starting all over again. I was still not able to completely work or even see issues that I had. I had learned that I needed to speak somewhat Czech now and not Bolivian, so that was cool. I had a greater understanding of how to maneuver around with that. I had changed my life view in many ways, and after time in therapy and continuous self-work, I felt I was moving into a new person. Why then was it still such a struggle to get my point across and understand other people's points? Maybe I was a person that could not create important, long, lasting, relations. Maybe I was only the little bit annoying and difficult employee that wanted to do good but no one could understand. When I had the intercultural points down why were there no pink skies and unicorns running around? Was I in fact not a changed person in the end? This plus struggles with international moves, alone, financial struggles, connection struggles, etc finally culminated around 3.5 years ago.
Rock Bottom and Up Again
I had a burnout, mental collapse, or whatever you might call it. I ended up in the hospital and stayed for about 1 week. I was totally out for a long time. And somewhere with that, it hit me. I had changed. I had absolutely not changed my way of communicating. When I was forced to slow down. When my brain broke down from any overstress and I was on quite high medication it really sunk in. I had had no proper way of conveying my intentions or ideas. It was a lot of negativity and boredom in my way of communicating.It was a lot: me, myself and I, and not a lot: you, him, she and they. I was not listening to others, and what I did when I had a conversation I was only waiting for my time to speak to say something.
I can sew that now.
Interestingly it was never my intention. I wanted to be kind but I could come across as complaining, as lecturing instead of connecting and not listening to others. More interested in saying what I thought than listening to others. The words, structure, and tone were not correlated with the meaning I wanted to send. The idea that it should and did not matter what or how I said my thoughts did me a disservice. With sounding negative, this is what I got in return. Even if I did not intend to be negative. Creating a positive narrative and setting, gave me what I wanted back in return.
So-
Not only do I need to communicate closer to Bolivian with a Bolivian, Swede with a Swede, Czech with a Czech, etc. or have the person I am communicating with understand the same notion, Cultures communicate differently, I also need to make sure that the message I am sending is sent in a positive, interested, curious way, moving away from dark undertones and noes. We Need Positive Intercultural Communication.
Lasting Changes Have Been Imperative for Life
It has not only been sunshine and rainbows. Communicating positively does not mean smiling and being nice. It means creating a way for fewer misunderstandings, which for me entailed setting boundaries for example. I realized that in the past, I had had no personal boundaries, and not wanted to speak up until the very last minute when I burst. I have needed to address friendships that were not all that healthy and had a strange power dynamic, where I usually was the lower one. Once I set boundaries and started to use positive communication the dynamic changed and the relationship, therefore, changed, sometimes in a way that we could not recoup. It is however one of the absolutely best things I set out to do.
In the last 3 years have I cultivated deeper and more meaningful relationships than ever before. I can say I have deeper connections with more people than I could ever imagine. Going from feeling I had almost no connection, to knowing that there are many people around whom I can count on, and that can count on me.
I also truly believe that I have created a safe place and empathic environment where I work and in the surrounding of my profession and private life. I approach my clients with curiosity, I set up expectations in an empathic way and instead of judging why something has not happened I want to understand the underlying issue. It makes them feel safe and listened to, creating a positive loop. We need to learn how to speak to one and another to create strong relations. I have improved my relationship with my daughter, which after divorce and moves and struggles financially was slightly strained. How I function together with my ex-husband has greatly improved!
Can I improve still? We always can!
Why did it take a mental collapse to come here? We cannot, when life is chaotic and stressful, completely take on all the change we might want and need. If you see it from Maslow's behavioral pyramid. My basic needs were not met, and my life and brain were in turmoil.
I wish people would understand the power of communication, and how it can intrinsically and extrinsically help. How it can improve work and personal relations. That it is much better to start changing it before your team, clients, or families go into turmoil. Prevention is better than firefighting. How communication is the foundation of human interactions and we need to know and understand how to effectively reach people.
How actual pink skies and unicorns can come to happen! ;)
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